At least 1 in 4 American adults is estranged from a close relative. Estrangement imposes steep costs in terms of emotional states and mental health. Added to those costs in business-owning families is often an additional cost to business operations. “The implications of family business disputes extend beyond individual relationships. They can affect the business’s overall performance, impede its growth, and even jeopardize its sustainability.” (Empower Laws, “Effective Strategies for Family Business Dispute Resolution”)

That is why members of business-owning families should seek to reconcile estranged and broken relationships. YES, this is hard. C.S. Lewis wryly observed that everyone thinks forgiveness is a perfectly lovely idea – until they have something to forgive. But we are here to help. One of our greatest privileges in family business facilitation is helping members of business-owning families reconcile after months or years of estrangement.

What makes it so satisfying? Our clients’ incredible return on investment. But in most cases, to experience the benefits they must first overcome some common reservations.

The ABCs of Overcoming Reservations

Before successfully addressing the need to reconcile an estranged relationship, those involved usually follow an A-B-C process.  

• First, they Acknowledge the situation forthrightly.
• Second, they come to Believe that something CAN be done about it; and 
• Third, they Commit to acting – often with assistance from an outside facilitator.  

A is for Acknowledge

Acknowledge. Denial is more than a river in Egypt! Like Igor in Young Frankenstein responding, “What hump?” when offered help for his obvious deformity, business-owning families can be tempted to deny the existence of estranged relationships. Family business researchers Nick Di Loreto and Alison Isaacson of BanyanGlobal Family Business Advisors warn against “fake harmony” in their Harvard Business Review article, “Avoiding Conflict Will Only Hurt Your Family Business.” (HBR 10/5/22) Avoiding real conflict in favor of a superficial harmony can allow small issues to build up and eventually erupt into far more damaging disputes – often triggered by a crisis.  

B is for Believe

Believe. This is often the biggest hurdle. Deep skepticism that any healing or progress is possible is often what underlies the reluctance to acknowledge the situation in the first place. Family business disputes can admittedly be deeply emotional and entrenched. But a good facilitator with skills in conflict management can design and lead a process tailor-made for your family dynamics that enables those involved to speak openly and directly about their experience and perceived issues, find common ground, and determine next steps toward resolution. The facilitator can remain engaged to provide support and accountability as those steps are taken at a pace agreed upon by the participants. Progress may not be linear, but it is possible.

C is for Commit

Commit. Acknowledging the situation and believing that it can be successfully addressed motivate commitment to act. It is possible that direct discussions between the conflicting parties yield a mutually beneficial agreement. In other cases those involved may be able to effectively use online dispute resolution platforms. Business attorney Aaron Hall notes that these approaches offer flexibility, cost-efficiency, and confidentiality, making them well-suited for sensitive family matters.

But many business-owning families will want to enlist the help of an outside facilitator.  In their article cited above, Empower Laws says, “The importance of neutral third parties cannot be overstated. Advisors bring an objective perspective, ensuring that all voices are heard and preventing personal biases from clouding judgment. This neutrality fosters a collaborative atmosphere conducive to resolving conflicts.”

The ROI of Reconciliation 

Having progressed through the ABCs of overcoming reservations, a business-owning family is positioned to reap the rewards of reconciliation. It pays rich dividends in terms of time, money, and family harmony.

Save Time

Facilitation typically requires about a day per month over 4-6 months, while managing ongoing dysfunction consumes countless hours weekly for years. Organizational consultant Brene Brown asks leaders to consider whether it is better to “invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings, or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behavior.”

Save money

Addressing conflict in a direct and timely manner can save you money by halting the acceleration of conflict. That’s good business strategy and an efficient use of capital. BanyanGlobal Family Business Advisors teach that major conflicts in family businesses, like tornados, follow a developmental pattern with predictable stages as the storm worsens. They call it The Conflict Spiral:

Notice how the stakes increase and the intensity grows with each level from 1 to 7. In the early stages we can often distinguish between positions and interests. We can also work with you to set “permission to play” ground rules for healthy, constructive communication. These conditions provide good faith safe space for flexibility and creativity in discerning a range of agreeable outcomes.

In the later stages, this becomes impossible. Consider a recent example: We were recently contacted by a business operations specialist whose client was a firm run by siblings with complementary strengths. Despite years of successful collaboration, a dispute over whether to aggressively pursue new markets drew the siblings further and further into the conflict spiral. Sadly, it was too late for us to offer conflict resolution facilitation, and lawsuits were filed. While we acknowledge that litigation may in some cases be necessary, the costs in terms of both dollars and family harmony can be staggering. If these siblings had sought help with their conflict in the early stages, they may have avoided those costs.

Family Harmony

Those who take a leadership role in resolving a family dispute, healing a broken relationship, or seeking reconciliation with an estranged family member make a significant contribution to family harmony – a crucial but elusive aspect of enduring multigenerational prosperity. Sarah Hamilton wrote in the May 2023 edition of The Journal of Wealth Management, “Preserving the family in the midst of wealth is far more difficult than preserving the wealth.”

As noted in our first paragraph, many American families could benefit from this emphasis on reconciliation. Just in time for Thanksgiving Dinner, the New York Times published, “Life Is Too Short to Fight with Your Family.” The authors begin with a sobering claim: “We’re in the middle of a family relationship crisis. At least one in four American adults is estranged from a close relative.”

The problem is that “letting our closest relationships disintegrate through neglect, busyness and an unwillingness to move past the things that bother us” will likely have “a devastating impact on your happiness and well-being. … most of us wait excruciatingly long to absorb this message.”

So don’t wait. The stakes are high in every family, but higher still in business-owning families.  

Pyrrhic Victories – The Smoking Rubble of Having It Your Way

When we are hurt, ignored, or wronged, we often have an impulse to respond in kind. We want to hit back, return tit for tat, and mutter, “I don’t get mad, I get even!” But all this leads at best to pyrrhic victories. The phrase comes from King Pyrrhus of Epirus, who defeated the Romans in 279 BCE but lost so many soldiers that he reportedly said, “Another such victory and we are undone.” In some cases, the price of winning outweighs the benefit of the win. This is often the case in family business conflicts, when family and business relationships overlap extensively. So for example, a senior family business leader may “win” an argument but seriously damage trust with the rising generation on whom the enterprise’s future depends.

If conflict is simmering in your family business, the cost of waiting far exceeds the investment in resolution. A well-structured approach to family business dispute resolution promotes healthier interactions and helps ensure the longevity of your business. We offer neutral, confidential, and highly skilled facilitation – an invaluable resource for this urgent, sensitive work. Contact us today for a free consultation during which we’ll identify where you are on The Conflict Spiral and discuss the interests, incentives, and motivations of various stakeholders.