Growth and strength result from a balanced pursuit of paradoxical aims
‘Frustrating, Complicated, and Apparently Impossible’
Leading a family business is no easy feat. The challenges can often feel insurmountable. As an experienced family business consultant recently remarked, clients’ situations are “tales of human beings entangled in frustrating, complicated, and apparently impossible dilemmas with many of the most important people in their lives.” (Amy Schumer in the Foreword to Hug of War: How to Lead a Family Business with Both Love and Logic by Cathy Carroll, Koehler Books, 2024).
To navigate these complex challenges and prevent new problems from arising, many family business leaders have adopted a skill known as polarity management. This approach encourages a “both/and” perspective, supplementing the more traditional “either/or” mindset. By embracing this mindset, leaders can effectively break free from cycles of conflict and indecision.
What is a Polarity?
A polarity is a pair of opposite tendencies that are interdependent. A simple example is inhaling and exhaling; both are essential for our survival. Anyone who inhales exclusively, neglecting to exhale, will soon face dire consequences (too much CO2, or “hypercarbia”). Conversely, someone who only exhales without inhaling will suffocate (lack of oxygen).
Polarities exist not just in our personal lives—common examples include task vs. relationship and decisive vs. considered—but also within organizations. Some prevalent organizational polarities include centralized coordination vs. decentralized initiative, core business vs. innovation, and long-term investments vs. short-term results.
Family vs. Business: A Core Polarity
One of the most challenging issues for business-owning families stems from the distinct mindsets represented in the family vs. business polarity. When adopting a family mindset, we prioritize fairness, belonging, and sharing, driven by love. In contrast, a business mindset emphasizes competition, profits, and meritocracy, grounded in logic. Cathy Carroll highlights this dichotomy, which was a pivotal lesson I learned from family business consulting pioneer David Bork.
In my previous work with congregations, I frequently encountered polarities such as tradition vs. innovation and fiscal responsibility vs. mission-driven initiatives. Churches are particularly attuned to the overarching polarity of the already vs. not yet in the reign of God—a reality that is present but not fully realized.
How Polarity Management Benefits Business-Owning Families
Cathy Carroll applies polarity management to many of the major challenges faced by family business leaders, including employment and compensation, power dynamics, conflict, succession, and shared decision-making. In each area, she identifies key polarities that need to be managed, such as merit vs. inherit (estate planning), command vs. co-create (governance), and give now vs. give later (philanthropy). I’ve joined her Fall 2025 training cohort to learn more.
What are the benefits of this approach? As Carroll notes, “Managing polarities isn’t easy for the weak of heart. It requires that we hold the tension of opposites to be both true. It means tolerating the ambiguity of not having a clear ‘right answer’ and accepting that these tensions cannot be solved; they can only be managed. Those who can hold the discomfort of paradox are truly the most transformational leaders among us.” Without polarity awareness, we often intensify our efforts on the strategies we believe are correct, which can exacerbate existing problems.
Polarity thinking opens the door to fresh strategies, novel thought processes, and new possibilities. For example, professionally facilitated polarity management sessions can be a great way to welcome and integrate married-ins and members of the rising generation, as they educate them on family values and traditions while signaling awareness of their interests and openness to their perspectives.
Our Logo: A Symbol of Polarity Management
You may have noticed our logo: an oak tree with several mature branches alongside a sprouting acorn. This imagery not only reflects our surname but also symbolizes how growth and strength arise from effectively managing tensions. “The bodies of trees are built by their downward hunger for earth and water and by their upward yearning for light. How wonderful that these paradoxical aims, instead of tearing a tree in two and causing it to die of indecision, cause it to grow tall and strong.” (David James Duncan, quoted by Gil Rendle in Countercultural: Subversive Resistance and the Neighborhood Congregation, Rowman, 2023).
Let Us Help You Manage Family Business Polarities
By supplementing either/or thinking with a both/and perspective, you can break through relational logjams and confront family business dilemmas with wisdom, insight, and discernment. If you’re ready to explore how we can assist you, contact us today.
