Foster – don’t force – engagement
There are many rewards and satisfactions of being successful in family business. But when an adolescent or young adult in a business-owning family is struggling, their parents are often deeply troubled about it. Since launching Family Business Facilitators we’ve become acquainted with several families in this very situation.
The Hardest Job
Parenting is hard! A pastor friend used to joke that his sermon on parenting went from “Ten Commandments” as a newlywed to “How to Survive Your Teenager” once his kids hit middle school.
It’s not unusual for one child in a family to need a bit more help than the others. The Mexico episode of the beautifully filmed series The Americas narrated by Tom Hanks begins with a focus on the Sonoran Desert. It features the elf owl, about the size of a dollar bill. These tiny owls make nests inside abandoned woodpecker holes bored into saguaro cacti 15’-35’ off the ground. The mother owl featured in the episode tends carefully to the needs of her three chicks, regularly bringing them food. But the day comes when it’s time for her chicks to try their wings and begin foraging for themselves. The first two manage without much trouble, successfully flying from the cactus to a nearby tree. But a third chick balks. (It’s a long way down!) He needs special encouragement. And when he finally does try, he ends up at first on the ground – the most dangerous place for an elf owl chick to be.
Adolescence is a natural developmental challenge. Teens are learning independence, emotional regulation, and decision-making. In today’s society, the stress they feel can be amplified by social media and pressure to perform in school, sports, and other extracurriculars. Jonathan Haidt has written a best-selling book (The Anxious Generation) that documents rising rates of depression and anxiety in American young people today.
Teens in Business-Owning Families Face Special Challenges
In addition to all of that, privileged young people face unique challenges – especially if their family is prominent in the local community.
Dr. Christopher Stawski is a friend and former colleague with deep expertise in character development. When he learned that we had launched Family Business Facilitators, he reached out with congratulations and support. Knowing his interest in character development, we remarked that it seems challenging for many entrepreneurial families to raise children with strong character. That’s true for any family of course, but families of successful entrepreneurs seem to have some unique challenges. Chris concurred.
Chris pointed me to an organization called Kore Venture that works specifically with young people navigating wealth. Their research found that an environment of abundance creates specific challenges to raising human beings. The issues Rising Gens are concerned about and burdened with often revolve around identity, individual value, and life purpose:
- Who am I without my family name?
- Do people like me for who I am or just what I can do for them?
- Am I free to choose my own path, or do I have to follow in the family’s business?”
These are important questions. The first question becomes more urgent and imposing when the family name is attached to a prominent and successful business. Having financial resources brings privileges, but also critics and hangers-on who try to exploit the relationship for personal gain. Growing up in a family business may foster the sense that joining the enterprise is the expected “default” setting, so the adolescent wonders, ‘If I leave the family business, am I leaving my family?’ Caroline Bailey wrestled with exactly this question – in midlife.
Are the adolescents in your family beginning to ask these questions too? If so, is there a safe place available in which they can explore them?
Foster, Do Not Force, Engagement in the Family Business
One helpful suggestion for how to address the needs of adolescents in business-owning families comes from Wendy Sage-Hayward, Gaia Marchisio, and Barbara Dartt in Chapter 3 of their new book, Own It: How to Develop a Family Enterprise Owner’s Mindset at Every Age (Palgrave, 2022). Their counsel: foster, but do not force, engagement.
“More than in other stages, adolescents need to feel invited into developmental activities, rather than having them imposed, because they already have so much on their plates and need to feel some control over how they spend their time. … Parents and other influencers must walk an often-challenging path: fostering interest and engagement without forcing it…” (p. 54)
Fostering … without forcing. The goal is to help them become healthy, well-functioning young adults with positive connections to family and enterprise. To do this, parents should help their adolescent children to become familiar with the business while allowing them to be who they are – or are becoming. Warmth, consistent boundaries, active listening, and understanding are critical for navigating this period successfully.
How One Dairy Farm Family Promotes Business Knowledge
One family with several teenagers has a thriving commercial dairy operation. They encourage their adolescent children to participate in animal husbandry and livestock judging contests. In addition, upon graduation from high school each child is expected to work for three months in some capacity within business operations. The parents want them to understand that the business and industry are rooted in care for the animals.
At the same time, the parents are encouraging their kids to pursue their own interests and passions. They want their children to understand where they came from, and the nature of the business that has afforded them their current lifestyle. But they also assure them that they will not be forced to work in the business as a full-time career. Is it an option? Of course. But it is one among many from which each child is free to choose.
Non-parent Influencers
At Family Business Facilitators, we take a family systems approach to our work with business-owning families. Therefore, we encourage you not to limit your imagination to the parent-child dyad.
Take a moment to reflect a bit on your own adolescent years. Do you remember struggling with learning independence, emotional regulation, and decision making, or conflict with parents? Besides your parents, what people and experiences were helpful to you in developing a strong sense of identity, direction, purpose, and belonging?
Aunts, uncles, older cousins, grandparents, teachers, coaches, mentors, and youth pastors can all be particularly helpful during adolescence, when parental influence begins to wane. Who are the other adults in your adolescent’s life willing to offer them love, guidance, and support? Look around. Can you identify some adults who are ready and willing to speak into your adolescent’s life in a way they can hear?
Long-Term Effects of Adolescence ‘Significant and Enduring’
Your adolescent children are in a critical stage of human development. They are dealing with all the routine concerns of the typical American adolescent, and in addition coming to terms with the unique challenges of growing up in a prominent well-to-do family.
Try to foster engagement with the family business without forcing it. Be patient and persistent, determined to make the most of this uniquely important season. Yes, they’re still young, but their decisions today may have long-term consequences in terms of shaping life outcomes. “On one hand, there remains plenty of time to develop owners in this stage. But on the other, the long-term effects of experience and influence in adolescence are significant and enduring.” (Own It, p. 75)
Questions for Reflection
- Is an adolescent in your family struggling with identity, individual value, or life purpose?
- Do you need help in identifying other adults who might come alongside the adolescent to offer encouragement and a listening ear?
- Are you unsure what it means for you to foster the adolescent’s engagement with the family business, but not force it?
If you’d like to talk through these questions with someone specializing in family business dynamics, we’re here to help. Reach out for a 30-minute consultation today.
Bonus Link
If you’re concerned about an anxious young adult in your family, check out the practical, hope-filled “Faith in an Anxious World” parenting podcast from Fuller Youth Institute.
